Unspeakable horror! Mutant nightmares! Eldritch evil! Alexandrian witchcraft! Nicolas Cage gleefully picking tomatoes and peaches off of the vine!
What’s a man do to when he has all the money in the world plus a rehabilitated image as Marvel’s greatest hero? He does little. Very, very little.
In which one kid’s personal apocalypse is ushered in through his own obsession with recording his every stupid move.
Andy had hopes for this movie, but it turns out it’s so not-a good.
Abolish the death penalty.
It’s never too late to take a minute and jot down some thoughts about one of 2019’s best country records, y’know.
Good morning everyone! Let’s get popular on the Internet.
There are only so many ways that I, personally, can imagine screwing this movie up, and Jay Roach screws it up in all those ways plus others.
“It’s tough being the one guy with an unflattering take on the movie everyone loves,” said the one guy with an unflattering take on the movie everyone loves, finding the strength to move on against all odds.
Warning: Lots of gardening and botany puns ahead.
There’s nothing more that Andy likes in this world than getting in the last word, except for Martin Scorsese movies. He likes those way more. But why not both!
Hell yeah, a grown-ass man beating up on the adorable kids film, because my HEART is COLD as ICE.
Vroom vroom zoom zoom beep beep screech crash bang boom man emotions vroooooom manly slap fight zip zip zap
This is a movie, but also the epitome of a blockbusting year spent making overdetermined, obnoxious , totally disingenuous proclamations of feminine heroism.
Quick, find a word that means something similar to “this is a real gosh darn good movie.”
And you thought my obsession with “Lemon” was a sign of twisted character!
Not the Noah Baumbach movie starring Lola Kirke and Greta Gerwig, but rather the grimy, unpleasant, ultimately hilarious big-screen version of a Tim Heidecker and Greg Turkington bit.
The day shall come! In fact, it already came! It’s done. It’s gone. You missed it. What the hell, why weren’t you paying attention for the day.
And now, we go back in time to an era of peak crime and the year of Three Mile Island, Voyager I and Jupiter’s rings, space shuttle orbiter Columbia, and the Iran hostage crisis; also the year of “Alien.” Coincidence? Probably.
I have exactly less than no idea how to talk about this movie without giving away its dark, disgusting, hilarious secrets.