There are so, so many things you should not do if you are in a horror movie, but above all else don’t look at the thing you shouldn’t look at.
I felt like making friends and getting positive comments, so I decided to do a ranking list.
Here’s a shocker, most kids’ imaginary friends don’t actually go on murderin’ sprees. Journalism!
…man, that’s a pretty late mass.
In which the answer to “who’s a good boy” is “nobody, there is no good boy.”
I’ll probably be writing about this show forever, which feels appropriate because, y’know, vampires.
There’s never a bad time to talk about censorship, especially when you’re talking about horror!
Bzzzzz bzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz eeeeeeeeee bzzzzz
If you click the link to this review 5 times while staring in the mirror, I appear behind you and say “thanks for clicking.”
Not that kind of Teddy, or the other kind of Teddy. It’s just a guy named Teddy. Life is boring sometimes. But this movie isn’t!
“Sounds” an awful lot like derivative, inventive, but empty cacophony to me, emphasis on the “phony.” (Zing.)
More like “The Abominable Dr. Vibes,” y’know?
You’ll want to banish yourself to Shudder to watch this movie right away.
Nothing to mend a marriage like a vampire bite and a mounting pile of corpses.
Not the kind you eat. In fact I’m still not 100% sure what melons have to do with [redacted] at all.
First: Please everyone bow to Matt Patches, one of my editors, who made the .gif as the header for this piece. It is truly breathtaking. Second: Watch these movies! Yes, the final entry is an example of Andy fudging his own rules, but I wrote the fucking thing, and you’re not the boss of me. …
Weird, it almost feels like we’re reliving the same day over and over again as I talk about this movie over and over again.
There are better ways to fall asleep at night, but there are also worse ways!
Horror is so elevated that I’m not sure how anyone can lift it any higher without taking it through the ozone layer and sucking all the life out of the genre.
I think Peter Steele said it best when he sang “Everything Dies.”